Medal Counts Fundamentally Flawed

In 1982, Bruce Feirstein's classic Real Men Don't Eat Quiche blew away the medal count theory by observing that Bruce Jenner's accomplishment, winning the Decathlon, was far more impressive than the feats of Mark Spitz, who won several gold medals in swimming. Real Men don't shave their legs.

Medal counts simply don't work. The medal for prancing around a floor mat is not equal to the medal for super heavyweight boxing. The medal for jumping into water while making the smallest splash is not equal to the medal for throwing a 16-pound ball farther than anyone else. And did you know there are 20 different events for paddling across a pond, while there's only one Decathlon?

Real Man's Olympics determines the winning country the only way possible: by basing a country's score on the manliness of each event won. Judged events get marked down. Redundant events get marked down. Events requiring men to wear nothing but skin-tight underwear (this means you, cycling and swimming) get marked down.

You can change the manliness scores for the events and see how those changes affect the outcome.

More site information, including details about the scoring formula, is available below.

2012 Summer Games — London, England, Great Britain, United Kingdom

1st:         Great Britain     152.94

2nd:       United States   82.85

3rd:        Korea, South     75.1

4th:        Hungary              59.97

5th:        Jamaica               57.59

6th:        Kenya  41.51

7th:        Italy      41.46

8th:        Germany            39.28

9th:        Iran       37.44

10th:      Poland 37.44

Event	Pros	Cons	Rating (out of 10)	Winner
	Archery — Individual Archery	Aim at something and shoot it. This is a contest of strength as well as aim.			Korea, South
	Archery — Team Archery	Same as above.	Team sport, plus we already have a real archery medal.		Italy
	Athletics — 109 yards	"World's Fastest Man" title on the line.			Jamaica
	Athletics — 120 yard Hurdles	Okay, there could be hurdles between you and your destination.	If you're going to have obstacles, go all the way with the Steeplechase.		United States
	Athletics — 219 yards		Event pollution between the 109 yards and the marathon.		Jamaica
	Athletics — 437 yards		More event pollution.		Grenada
	Athletics — 437 yard Hurdles		Still not the steeplechase.		Dominican Republic
	Athletics — 875 yards		More event pollution.		Kenya
	Athletics — 1640 yards		More event pollution.		Algeria
	Athletics — 3281 yard Steeplechase	As good a simulation as we have of getting from Point A to Point B.			Kenya
	Athletics — 5468 yards		More event pollution.		Great Britain
	Athletics — 10936 yards		More event pollution.		Great Britain
	Athletics — 4x109 yards	The country with the top 4 fastest men.	Team sport.		Jamaica
	Athletics — 4x437 yards		Seems redundant.		Bahamas
	Athletics — Decathlon	This guy can do it all. He is the World's Greatest Athlete.	None.		United States
	Athletics — Marathon	Fastest man over distance.			Uganda
	Athletics — 12.43 mile Walk	Well, it is purely speed-based...	...But why is this even here? We don't have one-legged races. Or races where people run backwards. Why have any restrictions on how you get there? Especially one that leads to such a fruity gait.		Communist China
	Athletics — 31.1 mile Walk	See above.	See above.		Russia
	Athletics — Long Jump	A nice, simple question: who can jump the farthest?			Great Britain
	Athletics — Triple Jump		Perversion of the long jump with a bunch of silly rules.		United States
	Athletics — High Jump	Who can jump the highest?			Russia
	Athletics — Pole Vault	Who can jump the highest...	...with a pole, for some reason.		France
	Athletics — Shot Put	See that 16 pound ball? Throw it as far as you can!			Poland
	Athletics — Discus	Another distance throw.	We already have the shotput. Plus this only weighs 4 pounds, 7 ounces.		Germany
	Athletics — Javelin	Wikipedia describes this as "a polearm used as a hand-hurled missile weapon".			Trinidad and Tobago
	Athletics — Hammer	Basically a shotput at the end of a 4-foot pole.	Same as the shotput, plus some mechanical advantage. Normally that would cost points, but think how much clobbering could be done with this thing! (And in Scotland, men do this in kilts. Yeah.)		Hungary
	Badminton — Singles	One-on-one, mano-a-mano contest.	It's badminton.		Communist China
	Badminton — Doubles	Well you still have to beat somebody.	It's badminton AND it's one of those "team" things.		Communist China
	Basketball — Basketball	One team against one other team.	Again, there's a big sports league that plays this for real. Plus, there's women's basketball at the Olympics. Point loss there.		United States
	Boxing — Light Flyweight	Pounding the tar out of your opponent! Yes!	But this is like an award for the prettiest girl at an ugly contest. We don't care for arbitrary restrictions, so we only care about the unlimited weight class.		Communist China
	Boxing — Flyweight	See above.	See above.		Cuba
	Boxing — Bantamweight	See above.	See above.		Great Britain
	Boxing — Lightweight	See above.	See above.		Ukraine
	Boxing — Light Welterweight	See above.	See above.		Cuba
	Boxing — Welterweight	See above.	See above.		Kazakhstan
	Boxing — Middleweight	See above.	See above.		Japan
	Boxing — Light Heavyweight	See above.	See above.		Russia
	Boxing — Heavyweight	See above.	See above.		Ukraine
	Boxing — Super Heavyweight	This is the only real boxing event. This guy could take anybody at the Games.	None at all.		Great Britain
	Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 219 yards	A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.	Splitting points with kayaking, because we don't need both.		Ukraine
	Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards		Splitting points with kayaking.		Germany
	Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards		"Oh, I need some help paddling my canoe..." Splitting points with kayaking.		Germany
	Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 219 yards	A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.	Splitting points with canoeing, because we don't need both.		Great Britain
	Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards		More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.		Norway
	Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 219 yards		"Oh, I need some help paddling my kayak..." Splitting points with canoeing.		Russia
	Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards		More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.		Hungary
	Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Four-Man 1094 yards		More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.		Australia
	Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing One-Man Slalom	Like the previous event, but with steering.	Steering is overrated. Also splitting with kayaking.		France
	Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Two-Man Slalom				Great Britain
	Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking One-Man Slalom				Italy
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Single Sculls	Singles.	The guys here have TWO oars instead of one. Obviously worthy of another round of medals for everybody. Oh wait, it isn't.		New Zealand
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Pair		See above.		New Zealand
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Double Sculls		See above.		New Zealand
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Double Sculls		"Lightweight"? You're joking.		Denmark
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Four		Are we there yet? There appear to be 20 different ways to paddle across a pond. There aren't 20 different ways that anybody cares about...		Great Britain
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Quadruple Sculls		See above.		Germany
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Eight	There's something to be said for putting together the fastest thing on the water.	There are women's versions of all these, you know. These guys are lucky to be getting all these points.		Germany
	Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Coxless Four		Lightweight. And they expect points.		South Africa
	Cycling — BMX	Man-powered Excite Bike in real life! Risk of big wipeouts.	The course is a bit contrived.		Latvia
	Cycling — Omnium	The "Scratch Race" - it's actually a straight-up race!	Contrived non-races: Flying Lap, Points, Elimination, Pursuit, Time Trial		Denmark
	Cycling — Road Race	Uses local terrain. No stupid track games: everybody starts at the same spot, and the winner is the first to finish.	Shared by all cycling events: Stupid hats. Spandex. Contributes to "Lance Armstrong Syndrome", which causes sufferers to dress this way and parade around town.		Kazakhstan
	Cycling — Road Time Trial		One-at-a-time race against the clock. Seems unnecessarily boring, doesn't it?		Great Britain
	Cycling — Track Team Pursuit		Same as above, but with a team! I honestly don't understand why cycling is a team sport at all.		Great Britain
	Cycling — Track Individual Sprint	If there's a sprint, ++points.			Great Britain
	Cycling — Track Team Sprint	Except:	Help! The AIR is slowing me down! I'm going to get right up behind you, hold still...		Great Britain
	Cycling — Track Keirin	There's a sprint at the end.	There's a pacer in this one. Go fast, but not too fast. hmm.		Great Britain
	Cycling — Mountain Cross Country	Real-world usefulness. Not a duplicate of previous events. Nice!	Still exacerbates Lance Armstrong Syndrome.		Czech Republic
	Diving — 3.3 yard Springboard	None.	Gracefulness in men's athletics should be a side-effect of getting something done. It certainly shouldn't exist for its own sake.		Russia
	Diving — 10.9 yard Platform	None.			United States
	Diving — Synchronized 3.3 yard Springboard	None.	Men's... synchronized... diving. I had to rewrite the code here to allow for negative scores.		Communist China
	Diving — Synchronized 10.9 yard Platform	None.			Communist China
	Fencing — Epee Individual	It's swordfighting. Cool. Epee is based on dueling where the first to draw blood wins.	First blood was developed to avoid killing the other guy.		Venezuela
	Fencing — Foil Individual	Based on the sidearm of the 18th-century gentleman.	Complicated rules about hitting with "right of way" and "priority".		Communist China
	Fencing — Sabre Individual	Unlike the others, can score with a swipe of the weapon.	"Right of way" etc.		Hungary
	Fencing — Sabre Team		Team again.		Korea, South
	Field Hockey — Field Hockey	You don't have ice in the summer, so I guess this is the best that can be done.	It's a girls' game.		Germany
	Gymnastics — Floor Exercise		Is this the one with music? And props? And a lot of prancing and dancing around a big mat? Pass.		Communist China
	Gymnastics — High Bar	These guys get some impressive speed and height above the ground when they flip around this 9-foot-high bar.	Judging. Judging in itself has some serious problems. And if an event requires judging to declare a winner, then is it really a sport? Or has it become "art"?		Netherlands
	Gymnastics — Parallel Bars	Impressive strength required to do this.	See above.		Communist China
	Gymnastics — Pommel Horse		Requires more technique, and less strength, than parallel bars or rings.		Hungary
	Gymnastics — Rings	You've got to be Much Man to hold an Iron Cross or similar for any length of time.			Brazil
	Gymnastics — Vault		The girls also do this one.		Korea, South
	Gymnastics — Artistic Team	A little of each of the other Pros.	A little of each of the other Cons, plus "Team".		Communist China
	Gymnastics — Trampoline	"Girls Jumping on Trampolines" is good...	...but unfortunately this is its opposite.		Communist China
	Gymnastics — Artistic All-Around	A little of each of the other Pros.	A little of each of the other Cons.		Japan
	Handball — Handball	Better than soccer because you can use your hands.	There's a women's version. And it's like soccer.		France
	Judo — <= 132 pounds	Two guys in combat, so you've got a pretty good start there.	Again, we only care about the unlimited weight category.		Russia
	Judo — <= 146 pounds		See above.		Georgia
	Judo — <= 161 pounds		See above.		Russia
	Judo — <= 179 pounds		See above.		Korea, South
	Judo — <= 198 pounds		See above.		Korea, South
	Judo — <= 220 pounds		See above.		Russia
	Judo — > 220 pounds	It's a "fight" until one guy surrenders.	It translates to "gentle way". It's based on grappling. Along with the other Far Eastern "fighting" methods, comes packaged with a lot of nutty philosophy.		France
	Modern Pentathlon — Modern Pentathlon	Epee, pistol, and (kind of) cross-country.	Swimming and show jumping. Swimming means these guys are leg-shavers. And doing something for "show" in an athletic event? This isn't gymnastics...		Czech Republic
	Ping Pong — Singles	Ping-pong is a great game. It requires lightning-quick reflexes, and it's a blast to play. (Okay, maybe I'm biased towards ping-pong, but it's my site.)	But where does it fall on this scale, compared to the decathlon, or archery, or shotput.		Communist China
	Ping Pong — Doubles	See above.	See above, plus it's a team.		Communist China
	Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Pistol	Marksmanship. One of the few Olympic skills that would still be useful in modern combat.	An air pistol? At 10 yards? The women do this one.		Korea, South
	Shooting — 27.3 yard Rapid Fire Pistol	Rapid fire. Yeah baby. No women's equivalent.			Cuba
	Shooting — 54.7 yard Pistol	The purest precision shooting event.			Korea, South
	Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Rifle		An airgun. At 10 yards. And the girls do this one.		Romania
	Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Prone	You may need to hide and shoot at the same time!	If you have Three Positions, you don't really need this one.		Belarus
	Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Three Positions	Prone. Standing. Kneeling. This guy can shoot you any way he likes.			Italy
	Shooting — Trap		They don't use real birds. And why Trap when you can Double Trap? And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.		Croatia
	Shooting — Double Trap		They don't use real birds. And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.		Great Britain
	Shooting — Skeet	See above.	A woman won the last mixed skeet competition...		United States
	Soccer — Soccer		A bunch of guys lightly jogging around. No particular skill involved, except pretending to be hurt. And they're not allowed to use their hands because... Socialists like arbitrary rules? I really don't know.		Mexico
	Swimming — 54.7 yard Freestyle	World's Fastest Swimmer. Not as great as World's Fastest Man, but it's something.	Body shaving. Fruity swimsuits.		France
	Swimming — 109 yard Freestyle		We don't need anything but the 54.7-yard and the marathon. Plus these guys are shavers.		United States
	Swimming — 219 yard Freestyle		See above.		France
	Swimming — 437 yard Freestyle		See above.		Communist China
	Swimming — 1640 yard Freestyle		See above.		Communist China
	Swimming — Marathon	Endurance swimming. Outdoors. Much less intereference from turns.			Tunisia
	Swimming — 109 yard Backstroke		Why do we care what stroke they use? All that matters is who's fastest, right? We don't have footraces where you have to do a jumping jack between each step, or do pirouettes or anything. That would be stupid.		United States
	Swimming — 219 yard Backstroke		See above.		United States
	Swimming — 109 yard Butterfly		See above.		United States
	Swimming — 219 yard Butterfly		See above.		South Africa
	Swimming — 109 yard Breaststroke		See above.		South Africa
	Swimming — 219 yard Breaststroke		See above.		Hungary
	Swimming — 219 yard Medley		See above.		United States
	Swimming — 437 yard Medley		See above.		United States
	Swimming — 4x109 yard Freestyle	The country with the top 4 fastest swimmers.	Team. And all 4 are shavers.		France
	Swimming — 4x219 yard Freestyle		More event pollution.		United States
	Swimming — 4x109 yard Medley		Again, just because a swimmer is fast using an inefficient stroke does not make him a fast swimmer.		United States
	Tae Kwon Do — <= 128 pounds		Lightweights...		Spain
	Tae Kwon Do — <= 150 pounds		See above.		Turkey
	Tae Kwon Do — <= 176 pounds		See above.		Argentina
	Tae Kwon Do — > 176 pounds	It's two guys in combat.	Like the other Far East "fighting" styles, requires swallowing a lot of philosophical garbage about "peace", meditation, "tenets" of Taekwondo, and a lot of other BS.		Italy
	Tennis — Singles	Like ping-pong, but you're standing on the table. Requires precision, strength, speed, agility, and brains. One-on-one competition.	The girls play it too.		Great Britain
	Tennis — Doubles	See above.	Team.		United States
	Triathlon — Triathlon	Running. Definitely an endurance test.	Swimming (shaving), cycling (Spandex).		Great Britain
	Volleyball — Normal		This is a girls' game.		Russia
	Volleyball — Beach		This one is definitely better when played by the ladies. Why is this on the men's side?		Germany
	Water Polo — Water Polo	Looks like a fun way to pass some time in the pool.	Serious competition? I just don't see it. (There's probably body-shaving, too.)		Croatia
	Weightlifting — <= 123 pounds	A good old-fashioned test of strength.	A lightweight weightlifter is completely uninteresting.		Korea, North
	Weightlifting — <= 137 pounds		See above.		Korea, North
	Weightlifting — <= 152 pounds		See above.		Communist China
	Weightlifting — <= 170 pounds		See above.		Communist China
	Weightlifting — <= 187 pounds		See above.		Poland
	Weightlifting — <= 207 pounds		See above.		Kazakhstan
	Weightlifting — <= 231 pounds		See above.		Ukraine
	Weightlifting — > 231 pounds	No judging, no "performance". Just strength, straight up.			Iran
	Wrestling — Freestyle: Bantamweight	It's not the WWF, but it could still be entertaining.	Lightweights.		Russia
	Wrestling — Freestyle: Featherweight		See above.		Azerbaijan
	Wrestling — Freestyle: Lightweight		See above.		Japan
	Wrestling — Freestyle: Welterweight		See above.		United States
	Wrestling — Freestyle: Middleweight		See above.		Azerbaijan
	Wrestling — Freestyle: Heavyweight		See above.		United States
	Wrestling — Freestyle: Super heavyweight	It's like a fight.	But you can't punch the guy. And you have to wear some kind of weird skin-tight one-piece suit.		Uzbekistan
	Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Bantamweight		Lightweights.		Iran
	Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Featherweight		See above.		Iran
	Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Lightweight		See above.		Korea, South
	Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Welterweight		See above.		Russia
	Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Middleweight		See above.		Russia
	Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Heavyweight		See above.		Iran
	Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Super heavyweight	It's like freestyle.	It's like freestyle, except with rules restricting the style. Why do we care how a guy is pinned?		Cuba

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Scoring Formula

The scoring is exponential with base 1.5. An event rated at 10 counts half again as much as an event rated at 9. Where y is the effective score and x is the event's rating: