Archery — Individual Archery
Aim at something and shoot it. This is a contest of strength as well as aim.
Korea, South
Archery — Team Archery
Same as above.
Team sport, plus we already have a real archery medal.
Italy
Athletics — 109 yards
"World's Fastest Man" title on the line.
Jamaica
Athletics — 120 yard Hurdles
Okay, there could be hurdles between you and your destination.
If you're going to have obstacles, go all the way with the Steeplechase.
United States
Athletics — 219 yards
Event pollution between the 109 yards and the marathon.
Jamaica
Athletics — 437 yards
More event pollution.
Grenada
Athletics — 437 yard Hurdles
Still not the steeplechase.
Dominican Republic
Athletics — 875 yards
More event pollution.
Kenya
Athletics — 1640 yards
More event pollution.
Algeria
Athletics — 3281 yard Steeplechase
As good a simulation as we have of getting from Point A to Point B.
Kenya
Athletics — 5468 yards
More event pollution.
Great Britain
Athletics — 10936 yards
More event pollution.
Great Britain
Athletics — 4x109 yards
The country with the top 4 fastest men.
Team sport.
Jamaica
Athletics — 4x437 yards
Seems redundant.
Bahamas
Athletics — Decathlon
This guy can do it all. He is the World's Greatest Athlete.
None.
United States
Athletics — Marathon
Fastest man over distance.
Uganda
Athletics — 12.43 mile Walk
Well, it is purely speed-based...
...But why is this even here? We don't have one-legged races. Or races where people run backwards. Why have any restrictions on how you get there? Especially one that leads to such a fruity gait.
Communist China
Athletics — 31.1 mile Walk
See above.
See above.
Russia
Athletics — Long Jump
A nice, simple question: who can jump the farthest?
Great Britain
Athletics — Triple Jump
Perversion of the long jump with a bunch of silly rules.
United States
Athletics — High Jump
Who can jump the highest?
Russia
Athletics — Pole Vault
Who can jump the highest...
...with a pole, for some reason.
France
Athletics — Shot Put
See that 16 pound ball? Throw it as far as you can!
Poland
Athletics — Discus
Another distance throw.
We already have the shotput. Plus this only weighs 4 pounds, 7 ounces.
Germany
Athletics — Javelin
Wikipedia describes this as "a polearm used as a hand-hurled missile weapon".
Trinidad and Tobago
Athletics — Hammer
Basically a shotput at the end of a 4-foot pole.
Same as the shotput, plus some mechanical advantage. Normally that would cost points, but think how much clobbering could be done with this thing! (And in Scotland, men do this in kilts. Yeah.)
Hungary
Badminton — Singles
One-on-one, mano-a-mano contest.
It's badminton.
Communist China
Badminton — Doubles
Well you still have to beat somebody.
It's badminton AND it's one of those "team" things.
Communist China
Basketball — Basketball
One team against one other team.
Again, there's a big sports league that plays this for real. Plus, there's women's basketball at the Olympics. Point loss there.
United States
Boxing — Light Flyweight
Pounding the tar out of your opponent! Yes!
But this is like an award for the prettiest girl at an ugly contest. We don't care for arbitrary restrictions, so we only care about the unlimited weight class.
Communist China
Boxing — Flyweight
See above.
See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Bantamweight
See above.
See above.
Great Britain
Boxing — Lightweight
See above.
See above.
Ukraine
Boxing — Light Welterweight
See above.
See above.
Cuba
Boxing — Welterweight
See above.
See above.
Kazakhstan
Boxing — Middleweight
See above.
See above.
Japan
Boxing — Light Heavyweight
See above.
See above.
Russia
Boxing — Heavyweight
See above.
See above.
Ukraine
Boxing — Super Heavyweight
This is the only real boxing event. This guy could take anybody at the Games.
None at all.
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 219 yards
A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.
Splitting points with kayaking, because we don't need both.
Ukraine
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards
Splitting points with kayaking.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards
"Oh, I need some help paddling my canoe..." Splitting points with kayaking.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 219 yards
A sprint on the water: a man and his oar, in perfect harmony.
Splitting points with canoeing, because we don't need both.
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater One-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Norway
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 219 yards
"Oh, I need some help paddling my kayak..." Splitting points with canoeing.
Russia
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Two-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Hungary
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking Flatwater Four-Man 1094 yards
More event pollution. Splitting points with canoeing.
Australia
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing One-Man Slalom
Like the previous event, but with steering.
Steering is overrated. Also splitting with kayaking.
France
Canoeing / Rowing — Canoeing Two-Man Slalom
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Kayaking One-Man Slalom
Italy
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Single Sculls
Singles.
The guys here have TWO oars instead of one. Obviously worthy of another round of medals for everybody. Oh wait, it isn't.
New Zealand
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Pair
See above.
New Zealand
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Double Sculls
See above.
New Zealand
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Double Sculls
"Lightweight"? You're joking.
Denmark
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Coxless Four
Are we there yet? There appear to be 20 different ways to paddle across a pond. There aren't 20 different ways that anybody cares about...
Great Britain
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Quadruple Sculls
See above.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Eight
There's something to be said for putting together the fastest thing on the water.
There are women's versions of all these, you know. These guys are lucky to be getting all these points.
Germany
Canoeing / Rowing — Rowing Lightweight Coxless Four
Lightweight. And they expect points.
South Africa
Cycling — BMX
Man-powered Excite Bike in real life! Risk of big wipeouts.
The course is a bit contrived.
Latvia
Cycling — Omnium
The "Scratch Race" - it's actually a straight-up race!
Contrived non-races: Flying Lap, Points, Elimination, Pursuit, Time Trial
Denmark
Cycling — Road Race
Uses local terrain. No stupid track games: everybody starts at the same spot, and the winner is the first to finish.
Shared by all cycling events: Stupid hats. Spandex. Contributes to "Lance Armstrong Syndrome", which causes sufferers to dress this way and parade around town.
Kazakhstan
Cycling — Road Time Trial
One-at-a-time race against the clock. Seems unnecessarily boring, doesn't it?
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Team Pursuit
Same as above, but with a team! I honestly don't understand why cycling is a team sport at all.
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Individual Sprint
If there's a sprint, ++points.
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Team Sprint
Except:
Help! The AIR is slowing me down! I'm going to get right up behind you, hold still...
Great Britain
Cycling — Track Keirin
There's a sprint at the end.
There's a pacer in this one. Go fast, but not too fast. hmm.
Great Britain
Cycling — Mountain Cross Country
Real-world usefulness. Not a duplicate of previous events. Nice!
Still exacerbates Lance Armstrong Syndrome.
Czech Republic
Diving — 3.3 yard Springboard
None.
Gracefulness in men's athletics should be a side-effect of getting something done. It certainly shouldn't exist for its own sake.
Russia
Diving — 10.9 yard Platform
None.
United States
Diving — Synchronized 3.3 yard Springboard
None.
Men's... synchronized... diving. I had to rewrite the code here to allow for negative scores.
Communist China
Diving — Synchronized 10.9 yard Platform
None.
Communist China
Fencing — Epee Individual
It's swordfighting. Cool. Epee is based on dueling where the first to draw blood wins.
First blood was developed to avoid killing the other guy.
Venezuela
Fencing — Foil Individual
Based on the sidearm of the 18th-century gentleman.
Complicated rules about hitting with "right of way" and "priority".
Communist China
Fencing — Sabre Individual
Unlike the others, can score with a swipe of the weapon.
"Right of way" etc.
Hungary
Fencing — Sabre Team
Team again.
Korea, South
Field Hockey — Field Hockey
You don't have ice in the summer, so I guess this is the best that can be done.
It's a girls' game.
Germany
Gymnastics — Floor Exercise
Is this the one with music? And props? And a lot of prancing and dancing around a big mat? Pass.
Communist China
Gymnastics — High Bar
These guys get some impressive speed and height above the ground when they flip around this 9-foot-high bar.
Judging. Judging in itself has some serious problems. And if an event requires judging to declare a winner, then is it really a sport? Or has it become "art"?
Netherlands
Gymnastics — Parallel Bars
Impressive strength required to do this.
See above.
Communist China
Gymnastics — Pommel Horse
Requires more technique, and less strength, than parallel bars or rings.
Hungary
Gymnastics — Rings
You've got to be Much Man to hold an Iron Cross or similar for any length of time.
Brazil
Gymnastics — Vault
The girls also do this one.
Korea, South
Gymnastics — Artistic Team
A little of each of the other Pros.
A little of each of the other Cons, plus "Team".
Communist China
Gymnastics — Trampoline
"Girls Jumping on Trampolines" is good...
...but unfortunately this is its opposite.
Communist China
Gymnastics — Artistic All-Around
A little of each of the other Pros.
A little of each of the other Cons.
Japan
Handball — Handball
Better than soccer because you can use your hands.
There's a women's version. And it's like soccer.
France
Judo — <= 132 pounds
Two guys in combat, so you've got a pretty good start there.
Again, we only care about the unlimited weight category.
Russia
Judo — <= 146 pounds
See above.
Georgia
Judo — <= 161 pounds
See above.
Russia
Judo — <= 179 pounds
See above.
Korea, South
Judo — <= 198 pounds
See above.
Korea, South
Judo — <= 220 pounds
See above.
Russia
Judo — > 220 pounds
It's a "fight" until one guy surrenders.
It translates to "gentle way". It's based on grappling. Along with the other Far Eastern "fighting" methods, comes packaged with a lot of nutty philosophy.
France
Modern Pentathlon — Modern Pentathlon
Epee, pistol, and (kind of) cross-country.
Swimming and show jumping. Swimming means these guys are leg-shavers. And doing something for "show" in an athletic event? This isn't gymnastics...
Czech Republic
Ping Pong — Singles
Ping-pong is a great game. It requires lightning-quick reflexes, and it's a blast to play. (Okay, maybe I'm biased towards ping-pong, but it's my site.)
But where does it fall on this scale, compared to the decathlon, or archery, or shotput.
Communist China
Ping Pong — Doubles
See above.
See above, plus it's a team.
Communist China
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Pistol
Marksmanship. One of the few Olympic skills that would still be useful in modern combat.
An air pistol? At 10 yards? The women do this one.
Korea, South
Shooting — 27.3 yard Rapid Fire Pistol
Rapid fire. Yeah baby. No women's equivalent.
Cuba
Shooting — 54.7 yard Pistol
The purest precision shooting event.
Korea, South
Shooting — 10.9 yard Air Rifle
An airgun. At 10 yards. And the girls do this one.
Romania
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Prone
You may need to hide and shoot at the same time!
If you have Three Positions, you don't really need this one.
Belarus
Shooting — 54.7 yard Rifle Three Positions
Prone. Standing. Kneeling. This guy can shoot you any way he likes.
Italy
Shooting — Trap
They don't use real birds. And why Trap when you can Double Trap? And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.
Croatia
Shooting — Double Trap
They don't use real birds. And until recently, Trap, Double Trap, and Skeet were a single mixed-sex competition.
Great Britain
Shooting — Skeet
See above.
A woman won the last mixed skeet competition...
United States
Soccer — Soccer
A bunch of guys lightly jogging around. No particular skill involved, except pretending to be hurt. And they're not allowed to use their hands because... Socialists like arbitrary rules? I really don't know.
Mexico
Swimming — 54.7 yard Freestyle
World's Fastest Swimmer. Not as great as World's Fastest Man, but it's something.
Body shaving. Fruity swimsuits.
France
Swimming — 109 yard Freestyle
We don't need anything but the 54.7-yard and the marathon. Plus these guys are shavers.
United States
Swimming — 219 yard Freestyle
See above.
France
Swimming — 437 yard Freestyle
See above.
Communist China
Swimming — 1640 yard Freestyle
See above.
Communist China
Swimming — Marathon
Endurance swimming. Outdoors. Much less intereference from turns.
Tunisia
Swimming — 109 yard Backstroke
Why do we care what stroke they use? All that matters is who's fastest, right? We don't have footraces where you have to do a jumping jack between each step, or do pirouettes or anything. That would be stupid.
United States
Swimming — 219 yard Backstroke
See above.
United States
Swimming — 109 yard Butterfly
See above.
United States
Swimming — 219 yard Butterfly
See above.
South Africa
Swimming — 109 yard Breaststroke
See above.
South Africa
Swimming — 219 yard Breaststroke
See above.
Hungary
Swimming — 219 yard Medley
See above.
United States
Swimming — 437 yard Medley
See above.
United States
Swimming — 4x109 yard Freestyle
The country with the top 4 fastest swimmers.
Team. And all 4 are shavers.
France
Swimming — 4x219 yard Freestyle
More event pollution.
United States
Swimming — 4x109 yard Medley
Again, just because a swimmer is fast using an inefficient stroke does not make him a fast swimmer.
United States
Tae Kwon Do — <= 128 pounds
Lightweights...
Spain
Tae Kwon Do — <= 150 pounds
See above.
Turkey
Tae Kwon Do — <= 176 pounds
See above.
Argentina
Tae Kwon Do — > 176 pounds
It's two guys in combat.
Like the other Far East "fighting" styles, requires swallowing a lot of philosophical garbage about "peace", meditation, "tenets" of Taekwondo, and a lot of other BS.
Italy
Tennis — Singles
Like ping-pong, but you're standing on the table. Requires precision, strength, speed, agility, and brains. One-on-one competition.
The girls play it too.
Great Britain
Tennis — Doubles
See above.
Team.
United States
Triathlon — Triathlon
Running. Definitely an endurance test.
Swimming (shaving), cycling (Spandex).
Great Britain
Volleyball — Normal
This is a girls' game.
Russia
Volleyball — Beach
This one is definitely better when played by the ladies. Why is this on the men's side?
Germany
Water Polo — Water Polo
Looks like a fun way to pass some time in the pool.
Serious competition? I just don't see it. (There's probably body-shaving, too.)
Croatia
Weightlifting — <= 123 pounds
A good old-fashioned test of strength.
A lightweight weightlifter is completely uninteresting.
Korea, North
Weightlifting — <= 137 pounds
See above.
Korea, North
Weightlifting — <= 152 pounds
See above.
Communist China
Weightlifting — <= 170 pounds
See above.
Communist China
Weightlifting — <= 187 pounds
See above.
Poland
Weightlifting — <= 207 pounds
See above.
Kazakhstan
Weightlifting — <= 231 pounds
See above.
Ukraine
Weightlifting — > 231 pounds
No judging, no "performance". Just strength, straight up.
Iran
Wrestling — Freestyle: Bantamweight
It's not the WWF, but it could still be entertaining.
Lightweights.
Russia
Wrestling — Freestyle: Featherweight
See above.
Azerbaijan
Wrestling — Freestyle: Lightweight
See above.
Japan
Wrestling — Freestyle: Welterweight
See above.
United States
Wrestling — Freestyle: Middleweight
See above.
Azerbaijan
Wrestling — Freestyle: Heavyweight
See above.
United States
Wrestling — Freestyle: Super heavyweight
It's like a fight.
But you can't punch the guy. And you have to wear some kind of weird skin-tight one-piece suit.
Uzbekistan
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Bantamweight
Lightweights.
Iran
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Featherweight
See above.
Iran
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Lightweight
See above.
Korea, South
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Welterweight
See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Middleweight
See above.
Russia
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Heavyweight
See above.
Iran
Wrestling — Greco-Roman: Super heavyweight
It's like freestyle.
It's like freestyle, except with rules restricting the style. Why do we care how a guy is pinned?
Cuba
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